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Female sexual problems and their
resolution!
FAD....
Female Arousal Disorder ... Terrible name! However 40% of women
complain of some variant of sexual dysfunction.... there is a debate about
medical v therapeutic approaches, the pharmaceutical companies would love to
find a cure… make more money than Viagra, which some women use but it there is
little evidence to say it has any effect for women.
Vaginismus and Low of sex drive. (I like these labels even less!) :.... Vaginismus
is a severe contraction of the vaginal muscles at
the mere thought of intercourse, or even at the thought of having an internal
examination or inserting a tampon. This is usually not a physical problem and
certainly is not a result of being too small, which often women and their lovers
think is the problem. The problem is almost certainly a result of unconscious
psychological problems.... These fears can become a self reinforcing system of
belief - fear - experience which needs to be changed into a positive cycle of
being comfortable and aroused / excited, followed by success and a positive
belief about the experience of sexual pleasure.
Loss of the sexual drive this is most likely a result of some underlying
fears, or hurt, or anger or a combination of them.... I often say it is not
possible to loose your sex drive... Your sex drive is an innate part of you it
is no more possible to loose than it is to loose any other body function... Your
sex drive will simply have been parked on some grassy verge and is waiting for
you to engage with it again. Of course physical problems can create
problems... however once they are excluded then it is important to
re-engage with your own sexuality and pleasure.
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To solve these
problems the woman is taught and encouraged to take charge of her own sexuality
and to get to know and accept her sexual and sensual self... including her
desires.
This needs to take
place in a
a safe and
secure setting in which she is encouraged to explore herself and her sensuality,
learning what she looks like, and how she feels, and what she enjoys.... where
her clitoris is, and what it is like to masturbate.... learning to reach orgasm
by stimulating her own clitoris... either by hand or with a vibrator... if you
have not used a vibrator then do buy one from either
Ann Summers. .
or
the store
in the US ... buy a simple vibrator that is easy to use and you are
comfortable with
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Both these books will help you to normalise your sexual experience. That is
they will
make your sexual desires and experiences normal!
Nancy Frday's Women on Top...
Her best book on women's sexual
fantasies
And
The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female
Sexuality by
Shere Hite |
Once a woman is enjoying her sexuality and she is comfortably reaching orgasm
through masturbation when she is alone, then she is ready to explore what the
inside of her own vagina feels like, she needs to become used to these
sensations, and find what is pleasurable and what is uncomfortable... it can be
good fun and very pleasurable to see if you can find your own g spot.... But
don't make this the search for the holy grail.. simply enjoy your own experience
of your self.
All of this can take as long as you like... Once you feel comfortable with
doing this yourself then you can then begin to show your partner how to touch
you and where... teach them to bring you to orgasm through masturbation with
their fingers / and through using a vibrator... only if you are comfortable
should you then go onto oral sex and reaching orgasm through oral stimulation..
The use of positive visualisations / fantasies. This will build up a set
of positive affirming experiences... it is a good idea to learn to use fantasies
before learning to masturbate.. as in practice you will use the fantasies as you
masturbate and make love with a lover..
A visualisation:
In a safe and comfortable place, the bedroom or bath or any other safe and
comfortable place... when you have plenty of time... as there is every chance of
you deciding to masturbate with these visualizations!
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Look down to your left (if you are left
handed look down to your right). Now tell yourself a story... the story needs
to be detailed... noticing the timing the pace, the colours, the sounds, the
feelings, full of every detail... who with and how you are having sex... make
it a new and satisfying experience in your story,,,, just like you want to
experience sex....
-
Now look up to your right, reverse if left
handed... and as you are looking up to the right see yourself in every detail
acting out the experience...
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Now look down to your right, again reverse
if left handed... and feel all the sensations you have through the
visualisation
Repeat this process several times... lingering over parts.. adding details and
noticing new feelings ... Tell the story and see the picture, and feel the
feelings at least three times...
This creates a new way of experiencing your sexuality... It becomes a part of
your mind set around sex... so next time you think sex... you see the new story
.... As you are having these fantasies you might well want to masturbate...
touching yourself in a pleasurable way.... if so go ahead and do so... make the
masturbation a part of the experience in a positive way...
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Reaching orgasms: There is nothing magical or mysterious about
orgasms..... they are a part and parcel of the way our bodies are meant to
function.... so it is just a matter of learning how to.... no different from
learning about any other aspect of your bodies functions.
If you have never reached orgasm then
use the above suggestions to learn how to ... take your time and have as much
pleasure along the way as you want! The following visualisation is also a way of
creating a new set of beliefs about yourself which will help you to change your
belief system.
Find a quiet place to follow the
example for you: (if you can think of better or different versions do use your
own fantasies.... Start with visualisations.... look
down to your left and tell yourself a new story.
1A) Look down to your left, to
the floor just by your right foot, and tell yourself a story which involves a
new solution to the old problem.... tell the story to yourself, as if you have
solved the problem..." Looking down to my left I am telling myself that I am
enjoying masturbation and sex, I am no longer afraid of sex, in fact I love sex
and enjoy it and am excited by the thought of having sex and orgasms. I often
reach orgasms, masturbate and make love in a satisfying and exciting way, I am
reaching an orgasm and I feel ...wonderful." |
2) Now look up to
your right, and imagine seeing yourself live out the new solution. "I look up
to my right and in my imagination I see myself having great sex, masturbating,
by caressing and my sex lips, by rubbing my clitoris, penetrating myself
with my fingers and vibrator, while also continuing to stimulate my clitoris,
gradually increasing the pressure and movements until I come to a wonderful and
satisfying orgasm."
3) Now look down to
your right, the floor just next to your right foot, and feel the pleasure you
have in solving the problem, and reaching an orgasm. Notice where you feel that
pleasure in your body! "I look down to my right and enjoy the pleasure of my
mastery of the sexual encounter, and the satisfying orgasm. I feel mostly a warm
sensation, all over...."
4) Now repeat the
above steps at least three more times, till the story, image and feelings are
well established in sequence... Then do it a couple of more times just for fun!
5) Now go out and
live it!!
6) Now tell us and
one other person at least of the change you have made!!
How to masturbate:
I have never been asked the equivalent question for men but on the sex therapy
web site there have been many - many questions asked about how to masturbate for
women.:
Find a safe, easy and comfortable
place, such as being in bed… alone, or in the bath, and practice!! Use whatever
you have handy, creams or oils and yourself…. Start with sexual fantasies, so
that you begin to get in the mood, then start to play with yourself, touching
your breasts, and after a few minutes, when you are ready, the outside of your
vulva, find your clitoris, and just gently rub yourself in ways that you find
pleasurable, increasing the intensity of movements and pressure as you enjoy
yourself.
(Many women also enjoy touching or
putting pressure on or penetrating their anus... it is a highly sensual area and
this increases sexual pleasure significantly.. however if you do this ensure you
use a different finger to touch your clitoris / vagina as you can cause some
infections by going from the anus to the clitoris / vagina.)
In these ways you can become very
aroused and reach orgasm. Be patient and take your time... It can take a woman
who is practiced and comfortable with her sexuality up to 9 or 10 minutes of
stimulation to reach orgasm.
Using a simple
vibrator will make this process far easier....
if you have not
used a vibrator then do buy one from either
Ann Summers... or
this store
in the US ... buy a simple vibrator that is easy to use and you are
comfortable with.
Once you feel comfortable with this
then start to experiment with inserting your fingers into yourself, notice how
you become wetter when you are aroused as well as finding it easier to put your
fingers inside yourself. Fairly quickly you will be able to put your fingers
right inside yourself. Throughout all of this you can use exciting fantasies,
including being sexual with your partner and reaching orgasm with them....
This will create a whole positive set
of experiences for you, in respect to your sexual pleasure which you can use as
a resource for all your future sexual encounters.
Remember the goal is for you to enjoy
being aroused, and to enjoy reaching orgasm, the insertion of you fingers, or
anything else is simply an added bonus you will want to enjoy for the extra and
added fun this will bring you… it is not a task or a duty for you to perform!!
Once you feel very comfortable doing
these things yourself then you are ready to build up in the same way with your
partner, eventually showing them how to place their fingers and a vibrator into
you as well as you putting your own fingers into yourself, and eventually if
your lover is a man then experiment using his penis initially against your
opening and clitoris, then and only when you are very aroused and wanting him,
so that any thought of the possible fears or past hurts will be well into the
background, he and you together can gently ease him into you.
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