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These are typical emails we receive from women... any email we publish will be changed to make it completely non identifiable... Please email us Dear Karolina and Dave Please help me, I have terrible shame as I cannot touch myself. When I was young my mother would always stop me from touching myself and would shout at me if I did. Then when it came to my periods I did not know what was going to happen and it was very scary, the only person to help was a kind school nurse and some friends. Now I am married and I don't know what to do. I know it must be normal to have sex but it does not feel like it for me. I have never enjoyed it and now he says that he will leave me if I do not sort this out as he says it is not normal. We were Christians when we met and he thought it was just that I wanted to be a good Christian, but that was never important to me really. I don't like my body, it is too small and I am afraid that he will hurt me when he goes inside of me and it is often painful if he tries. I have not told anyone else, who can I tell about this? Thank you Mary. Hello Mary... thank you for your email, you are raising many issues, and so we hope you will join the sites email service and we could then explore these issues in more depth and we hope we could support you as you find a way through this very difficult situation for you. What we will do is answer the email as we read it through, and so we have copied it out below and will answer you point by point.... Please help me, .... We are pleased you have contacted us and we trust that this will be a helpful process for you... do see it as a process though. It has taken you many years to develop these fears and you have learnt some difficult and inappropriate lessons through your life and childhood. These issues will not go away quickly, simply through the use of the exercises we suggest on our pages, although we hope they will be helpful in dealing with the immediate problems. Have a look through the page on women's sexuality and especially the visualisations regarding masturbation and getting to know your body. It might be also worth your while reading Nancy Fridays books. I have terrible shame as I cannot touch myself. When I was young my mother would always stop me from touching myself and would shout at me if I did. .... We are interested if you have ever experimented secretly when you are alone? If not be very slow about working through the visualisations we suggest that you first of all simply imagine that you are touching yourself and that it is normal and OK... (Your body is your delight and your pleasure... we are passionately sure of that... you have the right to enjoy your body... and that is normal and healthy!) Once you can imagine your self touching yourself then you can develop the visualisations further. Now when you imagine touching your self it might well be as if your mother is standing watching you.. and if that is the case a good idea would be to tell her to go away... (Don't be too polite about it.) We can go into this in much greater depth, both the theory of why and how to do this if you join the site. Then when it came to my periods I did not know what was going to happen and it was very scary, the only person to help was a kind school nurse and some friends. .... Thank God for the nurse and friends... Now I am married .... We are wondering how that happened... we assume he likes you and enjoys your body... is that Ok for you? and I don't know what to do. I know it must be normal to have sex .... but it does not feel like it for me. Yes it is! The average couple have sex 2 times a week... however that is an average and so includes all those who hate each other and would not so much kiss or shake hands never mind have sex! I have never enjoyed it .... We are sure you can start to learn how to! We need more details of your history... just tp ensure we are dealing with the right issues... tell us more of yourself including your likes / dislikes and any significant medical history. Now he says that he will leave me if I do not sort this out as he says it is not normal..... We see that as a threat which is likely to scare you even more... how about telling him you have contacted us and asking for his support. That in itself would be a good start and if he really is serious about loving you and wanting to be with you then he will accept this. If not .. well then maybe you can figure out how to enjoy your sexuality and we figure that you could then find a man who is wanting to be with you. This of course raises another issue.. do you actually want to be with him? Also can you imagine touching him.. we guess not... so that whole area will have to wait! We were Christians when we met and he thought it was just that I wanted to be a good Christian, but that was never important to me really. .... We are not writing as Christians... but if we were we would send you off to Genesis, where God made woman in his / her image... that includes your sexuality... your sexuality is in gods image.. .pleasure, fun, tasty and all the time with the knowledge that women have more orgasms than men! (As we often say God really must be a woman!) I don't like my body, it is too small and I am afraid that he will hurt me when he goes inside of me and it is often painful if he tries. .... We think this is the start of a whole different area... we need to hear more form you about your like dislike about your body... what in particular do you like / dislike about your body? You will not be too small for him... If by that you mean your vagina might be too small for him... many men like the idea of a small "tight vagina"... however the reality is that the vagina is very flexible and stretchy... it has to be, if you ever get pregnant a baby will have to push it's way out through the vagina... therefore a penis is nothing to a vagina! Imagine your vagina having a voice and we reckon it would be saying something like... "Easy, a little penis, no problem!" I have not told anyone else, who can I tell about this? .... Well as we said about the nurse thank God you have found us! We do think it is a good idea as we said earlier to tell him about this and to ask for his support. OK... We must go for now... and this is a lot for you to think about. We look forward to hearing from you. Yours Karolina and Vincent |
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